3333.3 Miles!

We had driven to Poughkeepsie to pick up my grandson, arrived there at 2:30 in the morning. I tried sleeping once we got there, I don't really recall sleeping. I remember waking up several times during the 4 hours I laid on the couch. Then we were up and at em headed to CT by 8 in the morning. Monday morning rush hour between NY and CT is not fun! We managed to get lost in downtown Hartford and finding ourselves in the wrong part of town. It wasn't too scary, but I was very happy to get back to the right part of town. We met a fellow Etsian in the Hartford area, went shopping for a little while and then went to lunch. The food was very good, I believe the restaurant was called Friendlys. The butterflies in my stomach did not allow me to eat very much. After saying goodbye to Janette and her sweet granddaughter,....and well almost hitting her car backing out.... we headed to our next location! Josh's house!

When we first arrived, Rick, Josh's dad was the only one home. It was great just to see him and get to visit with him face to face after 21 years. This is the man I put my trust into to raise the child I had birthed but could not raise. I still feel like I made the right decision. He has been a father, and a rock to Josh, a very steady anchor. That is what I was wanting for that precious child, but not ever having experienced that in a man before, I did not know how to put that into words while I was searching for adoptive parents. I don't think I could have found anyone that fit that bill better than Rick.

Joann and Josh came in about 30 minutes later. I was the lst one up to get a hug and kiss! I had forgotten how tall Josh was... or maybe I just don't realize how short I am. He, Micah and Jordan are now right at the same height. Wow...

Joann, has such a generous spirit. I spent more alone time with her than I did anyone else. The time was so precious to me. I wish I had known her better, but for her to be Josh's mom, I certainly didn't need to. I do hope our friendship grows not at Josh's mom and birth mom, but as woman to woman. My mind still is boggled at times about how faithful God was to have put Josh in Rick and Joann's life. They have been what God intended them to be, Josh's parents, his family.

Kara had bought Isaiah some Spy Glasses when we were shopping earlier in the day. Isaiah was smitten with them. We almost could not keep them off of him with the exception of the time he lent them to his "Uncle Josh". As you see in the picture, Josh dutifully wore them like all good uncles would even in public! Josh took time to give Isaiah his first guitar lessons. I have this on video, but could not get it to upload, so here is a picture.

I need to find some lost pictures, so I will diligently search for them and follow up with a closing post on the trip asap!
 

Why would someone give their child up for adoption??

I have heard the whispers for over 20 years. I have only had a few people out right ask me why. One was a team mate on Etsy the other's were family and of course Josh.

I am writing this to give an answer to those who have wondered and have respected me and loved me enough to not pry into a place that was not ready to be opened until these past few months. Thank you for respecting me and for loving me through the times that I had no words to express what was going on inside of me.

I have never been able to really put the why into words until this past year. I still struggle to find the right words, but there are a few that I can use to describe where I was at in my life at that time. I was not a young unwed mother. I was in my late twenties and had two children. My ex-husband and I had separated and there was no resolving our issues. The marriage was over, he was gone.

When I first realized I was pregnant, an anxiety hit me that is indescribable. I felt so all alone and so overwhelmed with my two little girls. I didn't know how in the world I was going to be able to take care of another child, but I did know that the value of this precious bundle was beyond any thing that could be priced. I never gave abortion a thought. This little being was designed to be here and I was not going to interfere with the plan of God!

I fought emotional battles the whole time I was pregnant, there was no support for me with the exception of my dear Wes, my grandparents who lived 200 miles from me and Josh's life parents who lived in CT. The adoption agency I chose was of no true support. Their main concern was the $$$. I was an outcast at church to the point that I had to quit going. It by no means was a good time in my life.

I loved the baby and I didn't want any harm to come to him. I felt that I had to protect him, from me. That is such a sad statement, but it is the most honest statement there is to answer the above question.

I felt abandoned and unwanted, I didn't know how to deal with or how to address my anger and fear. It was anger from over 20 years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The rage was coming to a head and I felt and explosion on the immediate horizon. At that point and time in my life, my anger was so out of control I truly did not think I would be able control my anger once the baby was born. I wasn't angry at him, he was just a sweet precious life waiting to be birthed into this world. I was angry at the whole world and at the thought of having to live a life in the midst of the chaos of life that I was in. This anger I remember began when I was 8 years old. I remember the day it began and the circumstances around it.

I had to protect the innocent baby from me. Even my two precious little girls needed to be protected from me. I was finding myself beginning repeat the same physical abuse that I had endured as a child. Thankfully I had a good man in my life and had just recently surrendered my life to the Lord. Wesley held me accountable and prayed over me and for me continually.

I wanted to celebrate this little person and I wanted him to be celebrated in life. I knew that I had to find the parents God had for him. I believe that when I got pregnant, God took that opportunity to answer the prayers of Josh's parents. God knew my heart was to love that little boy to the very best of my ability, even if it meant not having him in my life for his sake. I can stand before the Lord, and know that I did what I thought was the very best thing, so I am at peace.

God has delivered me from the hurt, anger, bitterness and hate that I had built a fortress with. One that had me held as a hostage in my own life. He healed my heart and set it free. He brought joy into my life and set my feet to dancing. That is what allowed me to live all those years without Josh in my life. God has filled every gap and covered every hurt with His healing love. He has protected and held my heart. He has caught every single tear I have cried over the years. He has never once left my side. He has put no shame on me. He has brought me to complete restoration in Him.

May 9th is Birthmother's Day. If you know a birthmother, say a prayer for her. Give her a hug and tell her thank you for chosing life.