Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Reality
This has been a hard day for me. Facing the reality of what God is showing me. It really isn't a judgement on me...but a clearer picture of where I am at in Him. He is bidding me to draw nearer than ever before. He is wanting me to come out of my place of comfort and operate fully in Him. He is calling me to be more bold than I have ever been, and to speak the truth as I never have before. If I don't do this and I face reality in this way again...then I feel I will be being judged for my apathy. It will be a sad sad sight. I am challenged to rise to the occasion. I am challenged to stop long enough to make a difference in this hurting dying world. Either I am going to make a difference, or I just plain don't care. Ugh!! It is black and white...absolutely positively no grey areas here. Lord, let your love flow through me to make that difference, let your love in me draw people to me. Let me be sensitive and responsive to their needs. Let me be the one that that points them to you. Father, if I don't then it is because I either don't believe in hell or I just don't care. Cause my flesh to submit to Your Spirit in me. Cause me to not cower and bow down to anyone but You. Let Your Spirit rise in me, and lead me in only Your ways. Cause me to operate in your anointing and not my pride and or flesh.Cause me to be accountable for my words and deeds. Cause me to live a life of greater integrity. Cause me to keep my eyes focused on You and what You would have me do. In the precious name of Jesus I pray. amen
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Getting my Fire Insurance
When I was a small child, my mom took us to church. I remember watching the tears run down her face, I knew that I loved her and that she loved Jesus. If my mom loved Jesus, then surely he was wonderful. Alot of things happened after that time in church, in my parent's marriage.
I really don't understand it or remember most of it, but I do remember my dad demanding that my mom have his Sunday meal on the table at 12 o'clock. Period. There was no wiggle room with my dad. His word was the law. We did not want to be outlaws in our own home. So mother quit going to church. She would take us and pick us up, or the church bus would. This went on for several years. Mother's heart became distant from the Lord, I didn't understand it back then, but now as an adult and mom of 5, I see how if a coal is removed from fire, it will grow cold.
Thankfully mother did her best to keep us in church as children. My heart knew that Jesus was special because my mom and my grandparents loved him. I loved Jesus, but I didn' want him telling me what to do. I was young and I was determined that I was going to have fun until I was old, at least 20. I had decided after I had my fun, that I would then give my heart to Jesus. I continued going to church, all of my friends at church were giving their hearts to the Lord. I wasn't going to, I wanted to have fun. Now, exactly what does fun mean to a 14-15 year old The church I attendend was a very strict no movies, no dancing type church so I guess that is what I was so concerned about. I didn't go to my first movie until I was a senior in high school. So back to not wanting to surrender my fun. I was the only child out of 4 that continued to go to church on a regular basis. There was a secret to my reasoning. It was that I got out of the house and didn't have to put up with the issue of life that occurred there. I could even lay down and go to sleep if I needed to. The pews were cushioned and were softer than the floorboard of the car.
Thankfully, all this time I was in church, I was marinating in the Word of God. It was sinking in.
It was reaching my spiritman. The pastor was preaching in Revelations. I was still not ready to surrender my fun. Then..... I had a nightmare one night. I dreamed that the Lord came back, and I was left behind. I knew that I had made this decision in my dream to not get saved. I knew this was my judgement time in my dream. It was horrible. My own selfishness had kept me out of heaven. I was doomed to hell, that is unless, I was willing to be nibbled on by little mice and then have my head cut off, then maybe I could go to heaven. Remember I said that it was a night mare. Night mares don't normally make sense. I remember looking at the date on the calendar in my dream. It was July 7, 1977....all sevens. I woke up in a panic! July 7th was just a few days a way. I had to get to the church so that I could be saved! I don't guess I knew that I could just give my heart to Jesus at home, ofcourse, I know I was sure that Jesus wasn't in our home, there was too much hell in that house for Jesus to show up. I was sure He didn't want anything to do with us. We were trash, as my father called us. Anyway.... I got to church the following Sunday, I could barely wait until the alter call. I think I was at the alter before the official alter call was made. I had to make sure that I had my fire insurance. I did not want to go to hell.
This is a very breif synopsis of when I gave my heart to Jesus. Sorry if it was choppy.
It is here though, Thankfully His grace has carried me through so much healing, and His love has healed my wounds....one by one.
I really don't understand it or remember most of it, but I do remember my dad demanding that my mom have his Sunday meal on the table at 12 o'clock. Period. There was no wiggle room with my dad. His word was the law. We did not want to be outlaws in our own home. So mother quit going to church. She would take us and pick us up, or the church bus would. This went on for several years. Mother's heart became distant from the Lord, I didn't understand it back then, but now as an adult and mom of 5, I see how if a coal is removed from fire, it will grow cold.
Thankfully mother did her best to keep us in church as children. My heart knew that Jesus was special because my mom and my grandparents loved him. I loved Jesus, but I didn' want him telling me what to do. I was young and I was determined that I was going to have fun until I was old, at least 20. I had decided after I had my fun, that I would then give my heart to Jesus. I continued going to church, all of my friends at church were giving their hearts to the Lord. I wasn't going to, I wanted to have fun. Now, exactly what does fun mean to a 14-15 year old The church I attendend was a very strict no movies, no dancing type church so I guess that is what I was so concerned about. I didn't go to my first movie until I was a senior in high school. So back to not wanting to surrender my fun. I was the only child out of 4 that continued to go to church on a regular basis. There was a secret to my reasoning. It was that I got out of the house and didn't have to put up with the issue of life that occurred there. I could even lay down and go to sleep if I needed to. The pews were cushioned and were softer than the floorboard of the car.
Thankfully, all this time I was in church, I was marinating in the Word of God. It was sinking in.
It was reaching my spiritman. The pastor was preaching in Revelations. I was still not ready to surrender my fun. Then..... I had a nightmare one night. I dreamed that the Lord came back, and I was left behind. I knew that I had made this decision in my dream to not get saved. I knew this was my judgement time in my dream. It was horrible. My own selfishness had kept me out of heaven. I was doomed to hell, that is unless, I was willing to be nibbled on by little mice and then have my head cut off, then maybe I could go to heaven. Remember I said that it was a night mare. Night mares don't normally make sense. I remember looking at the date on the calendar in my dream. It was July 7, 1977....all sevens. I woke up in a panic! July 7th was just a few days a way. I had to get to the church so that I could be saved! I don't guess I knew that I could just give my heart to Jesus at home, ofcourse, I know I was sure that Jesus wasn't in our home, there was too much hell in that house for Jesus to show up. I was sure He didn't want anything to do with us. We were trash, as my father called us. Anyway.... I got to church the following Sunday, I could barely wait until the alter call. I think I was at the alter before the official alter call was made. I had to make sure that I had my fire insurance. I did not want to go to hell.
This is a very breif synopsis of when I gave my heart to Jesus. Sorry if it was choppy.
It is here though, Thankfully His grace has carried me through so much healing, and His love has healed my wounds....one by one.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Alum, Pickles and Love
I have a container of alum sitting on my kitchen window as a reminder of how my love tastes to other people. Occasionally I will take a small taste just as an extra reminder.
One day I was before the Lord, crying my heart out over my perceived rejection from the world. I was doing everything I knew to do to love those around me, and of course fully expecting their gratefulness back! Then I had a vision of the hand of God with a small amount of Alum in it. The Lord said, "taste this." I said," oh Lord, I know what that taste like, and it is soooo bitter! Why would I want to have that taste in my mouth?"(as a little girl, I mistakenly took a big wallup of it thinking that the container said almond instead of alum boy was I surprised!) Anyway,back to the Lord wanting me to taste this Alum that He had before me. I obeyed and put a little on my finger and tasted the yukky bitterness of it wondering what this had to do with my hurting heart and the rejection I was feeling. I was sure He had heard me wrong, so He was answering my cry/prayer wrong. I need to re-explain myself to Him I was sure. Once I recovered from the taste, the Lord told me that that is what my love tastes like to others. When I serve it up, that is what those that get a dose of it taste. I was in horror! Was my love that bad I wondered?!?!? Could it (my love)really be used to make pickles? Oh my goodness no wonder I felt so rejected...no one wanted my love! You see, I had not realized that only the perfect love of God is what people truly want.Unadulterated, nonjudgmental, unselfish, no strings attached love. God is our only true source of love, and if the love we are giving out isn't coming from Him, then what we are giving, certainly isn't Him. Only His love has the ability to heal the broken hearted, to bind up the wounds and to bring true joy and peace to those around us, and including us.
So make sure you are going to the true source of love, before you start dishing out portions of love to those around you.
One day I was before the Lord, crying my heart out over my perceived rejection from the world. I was doing everything I knew to do to love those around me, and of course fully expecting their gratefulness back! Then I had a vision of the hand of God with a small amount of Alum in it. The Lord said, "taste this." I said," oh Lord, I know what that taste like, and it is soooo bitter! Why would I want to have that taste in my mouth?"(as a little girl, I mistakenly took a big wallup of it thinking that the container said almond instead of alum boy was I surprised!) Anyway,back to the Lord wanting me to taste this Alum that He had before me. I obeyed and put a little on my finger and tasted the yukky bitterness of it wondering what this had to do with my hurting heart and the rejection I was feeling. I was sure He had heard me wrong, so He was answering my cry/prayer wrong. I need to re-explain myself to Him I was sure. Once I recovered from the taste, the Lord told me that that is what my love tastes like to others. When I serve it up, that is what those that get a dose of it taste. I was in horror! Was my love that bad I wondered?!?!? Could it (my love)really be used to make pickles? Oh my goodness no wonder I felt so rejected...no one wanted my love! You see, I had not realized that only the perfect love of God is what people truly want.Unadulterated, nonjudgmental, unselfish, no strings attached love. God is our only true source of love, and if the love we are giving out isn't coming from Him, then what we are giving, certainly isn't Him. Only His love has the ability to heal the broken hearted, to bind up the wounds and to bring true joy and peace to those around us, and including us.
So make sure you are going to the true source of love, before you start dishing out portions of love to those around you.
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