Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Daddy and Me! :o)

God gave me this was so awesome! His love is so sweet, and He is so powerful!

Let me see.....if i can explain this so you can get the full just of what i saw......I saw me as a little girl, running into the Courtyard of Praise, right to the Holy of Holies, hollering for my daddy(the Lord) I finally get one is stopping me...I am out of breath...huffing and is so urgent that I see my daddy! I know that I have a big problem and I need my daddy's help to take care of it. As I get to the Throne Room.....I see Him there sitting....and He just let me jump smack dab in the middle of His lap, like a little girl would, and I nuzzled up to Him. Ifelt soooo safe.(Jesus was there too.....I remember seeing Him as I ran in....but I needed my daddy.....) I rememberlooking around and thinking well when are you going to do something? He heard my thought and said,"Angela....I did all I am gong to do a long time ago, your problem is already taken care of". He didn't even move....nor Jesus.....I remember looking out towards where I had run from and there were great big winged beings.....I knew they were my angels...I felt their presence as I was running. My daddy lifted his hand as to give them direction....they went to take care of what ever was needing taken care of...and I stayed in His lap.....they did return...and I knew everything was okay. My daddy, one more time, had it all under control.I don't know how many of you know this, but my earthly father died when I was 19(over half my life ago)and I adopted my Father to be my daddy at that our relationship is just like that of a daddy and daughter. I am the apple of His eye...He lovesme sooooooooo much. I never ever dreamed I could be loved as much as I comprehend Him loving me...His love goes so far beyond my limited mind....and His love covers the multitude of my sins. Hallelujah! Well, that is it...I am such a Happy Little Girl, so comforted from His love! As y'all know daddy and I dance too.....I get on his feet in the spirit...and we go round and round and round......I just love it when we twirl!

Praises and Glory and Honor to my Daddy!


I want to include in this blog that anyone who reads this can be a daddy's girl. My Father loves you just as much as He loves me. Everything He has given to me He will give to you. It is as simple as accepting Him in your heart as your saviour and accepting His love just where you are.

There is no need for pretenses. He knows you and He knows me every blemish, every hair, every gift, and every breath. He created this earth just for us and He gave us our name before He even created the earth.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Scents of life and love

I was never a daddy's girl... always a Papa's girl . He has been in heaven for 14 years now.
I went to vist my grandmother for the first time in about 5 years in July for my birthday.
I have seen her in the 5 years, it just hasn't been at her house.

Once we got our initial hugs and kisses over with, I immediately went to my Pa's old bedroom. Granny has now made it her sewing room. The gold velvet curtains were gone, the bed was gone. My heart was saddened. I knew though that the best place to find the scent of my Pa would be in his closet. His scent had always been there! I opened the door to the closet and there sat hundreds of pieces of material and some unfinished quilts. I took a deep breath knowing that I would smell that wonderful musty propane earthy smell of my Pa. I was wrong! My heart skipped a beat! How could this have happened? Where did his scent go? I searched all through the house with my nose trying to find that wonderfully comforting scent.

I never found it. This is the first time that I have really missed my Pa and wanted to cry. I always found comfort in being in his bedroom and just closing my eyes and there he was...still very vivid in my memories.

The memories are still there, but I feel like I lost some part of my Pa. I love him so much.
He and my granny were my source of encouragement and love as a child growing up. It seemed as though they always showed up when things at home were getting to be unbearable. They were there long enough (2days) to fill my heart with the love of Jesus and be on their way back home again. I would sob each and everytime they left or we left them. Only when I was with them did I feel safe. I guess in the scent of my Pa, I found a place of safety.

I don't need that safety anymore, I just wanted one more smell of my Pa. I want my children to know what he smelled like. I wanted to share with them what little I had left of him that isn't in my heart. I want them to love him as much as I do. I want them to know how wonderfully special he was...what a wonderful Christian man he was.

I hope when I am in heaven, my children will remember what I smelled like. I hope it will bring sweet memories to their mind. I hope this for my grandchildren that are to come also. I only smell like one thing, Jessica McClintock. I hope it is around for a long long time.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Personal Notes on Josh

I am committed to being transparent the adoption. Therefore when I came across these notes I decided to share them with those who have followed the reunion blog. Most of them were before I met him. The last 2 are afterwards.

January 8, 2007

The reality of what this year could bring is beginning to set in. My heart is happy, scared, anxious, overwhelmed. Those are just a few of the adjectives I can use to describe what I am feeling. I have always known the day would come for my reuniting with Josh. It seemed so far into the future for so long. I was able to dismiss the thought of seeing him again fora long time. This time I can't. This time I can actually allow my thoughts to go beyond the boundries I sat formy heart all those years ago. I guess I need to verify that he still wants me at his graduation and find out when it is. I will have to start saving for the trip. I don't know what it will cost, but I do trust the Lord to keep that which I have committed toHim. I committed this lifetime of Josh's and his parents to the Lord with promise of a reunion. So I trust the Lord will make provision for me.

February 2, 2007

I really need to get the date of Josh's graduation.I guess I also need to confirm he still wants me there. It could be so overwhelming for him...and of course for me. The last thing I want is for him to be put in an odd position due to me. There is so much that goes on the second semester in a seniors life. I can just imagine what all plans are made for the next few months. I pray they all go well.

August 6, 2007

There has been a little contact with Joann. Seems like Josh has had a very hard time in the spring and up to his graduation. My heart is sad because I hate that he has meltdowns like I do. I guess that he has inherited some of that from me.I know that it is hard for me to understand why I go into a meltdown. I do know that it has to do with my own lack of believing in myself at times. It is as if I finally surrender to the words that come at me. Words that my father spoke over me of failure and being trash. I don't believe that Josh has ever had those words spoken over him by his parents. I wonder though, if it has nothing to do with what they spoke, but what he believes I "spoke"when I gave him up for adoption. If that is what he believes, then my heart is extremely sad. When I surrendered him to his parents, I was speaking love in the only manner I could to him. My life was so messed up. That I wasn't dead was by the grace of God and the decision to not let what others had said about me kill me.My heart is sad right now.

August 14, 2007

I believe this is the week that Josh goes off to college. I have had him on my mind for the past two weeks so heavy. Wondering what he is thinking, wondering what his plans are. Do they include me ever? I figure they do, and I want them too, but I don't truly feel that I deserve to be in his life. Maybe it is a self punishment of sorts.I haven't heard anything from Joann, I hope they are all well. I know when Kara and Haleigh went off to school, it was a hard time for my heart. I missed them both so much, I felt like I was just really beginning to know who they were as adults. I am still learning them as who they are as adults all these years later. Sometimes I feel like I have failed them all miserably, but in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like I honestly did the very best that I knew how to do for them. Still the feelings of inadequacy loom at times. I feel this a lot with Chelsea and the boys. I try do keep my life lined up with the Word of God, and pray that where I have messed up, He and the kids will forgive me and have great mercy on me.

December 3, 2007

Josh,I know you had surgery last month. I hope you are okay. My heart goes out to you.I know you have been sidelined for playing soccer because of this. I am praying that God will restore you completely so that you can play again at full force. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I love you.

December 31, 2007

Wow! Where has the time gone? I have seen your pictures and watched you grow through them. I have seen you change from the wonderful full cheeked little boy to the wonderfully handsome young man you have become. I see all of my children in your pics. It is a glad thing for my heart to see you in them also.I wonder if 2008 will be the year we get to meet. It is such an overwhelming thought! I want to with all my heart to see you. Yet, I am scared to death! Scared of rejection, hurt, truth, anger, and so many other things that come to mind on occasion.I hope who I am doesn't disappoint you. I am just a simple woman. I still fight some of the "demons" of my past. In my head I know they are lies but in my heart they echo the insecurities of who I am. I not only feel this way about you, but also of my children. I don't want to disappoint them either.I love you.

March 5, 2008
The twins' b'day

What an emotional roller coaster that has been. I was in class all day with my mind on them most of the day. It also turned to Josh also. Jordy looks so much like the pics I have of Josh. Jordy has also laid claim to a pic. of Josh that reminds him of himself. Both my fellas are really beginning to anticipate meeting Josh and his family. Chelsea is a bit anxious.My granny has been sick. I have been quite concerned about her. We have began planning Haleigh's wedding. That will certainly take up quite a bit of time until November. It is a good thing. Hopefully Josh and his family will get to be here.

May 19, 2008

My dear Josh is in my home sleeping. I have got to hold his hand,look into his eyes, and hear him tell me he loves me. Thank you Lord. Thursday came fast in preparing for his visit. I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to. The kids have wholeheartedly absorbed him into the
family. He has always been a part of our family. It seems like the kids just grabbed up the puzzle piece of Josh and the placed him smack dab in the center of our family. He fits very very well. It will once again hurt to let him go. I will probably go to class with swollen eyes after crying all the way to Paris. My heart though is very happy. Very happy. His parents are absolutely positively the ones I am so thankful for. They have kept their word. They have loved him and taken care of him better than I think I ever could have. Thank you Lord!

May 21, 2007

I have called Josh and emailed him.I still haven't heard from him. I am trying to not think negatively, but that is where I am right now...emotionally.This has been a wonderful time for me and my family. What if he wants the kids and not me in his life? That will be wonderful for them, but I will be very sad inside for myself. I wonder if he and Joann are having emotional thoughts like this. Probably not, I say that so easily, it isn't meant to be flippant. I guess it is just my own anxiety being magnified right now. Hopefully I will hear from him soon.