I am committed to being transparent the adoption. Therefore when I came across these notes I decided to share them with those who have followed the reunion blog. Most of them were before I met him. The last 2 are afterwards.
January 8, 2007
The reality of what this year could bring is beginning to set in. My heart is happy, scared, anxious, overwhelmed. Those are just a few of the adjectives I can use to describe what I am feeling. I have always known the day would come for my reuniting with Josh. It seemed so far into the future for so long. I was able to dismiss the thought of seeing him again fora long time. This time I can't. This time I can actually allow my thoughts to go beyond the boundries I sat formy heart all those years ago. I guess I need to verify that he still wants me at his graduation and find out when it is. I will have to start saving for the trip. I don't know what it will cost, but I do trust the Lord to keep that which I have committed toHim. I committed this lifetime of Josh's and his parents to the Lord with promise of a reunion. So I trust the Lord will make provision for me.
February 2, 2007
I really need to get the date of Josh's graduation.I guess I also need to confirm he still wants me there. It could be so overwhelming for him...and of course for me. The last thing I want is for him to be put in an odd position due to me. There is so much that goes on the second semester in a seniors life. I can just imagine what all plans are made for the next few months. I pray they all go well.
August 6, 2007
There has been a little contact with Joann. Seems like Josh has had a very hard time in the spring and up to his graduation. My heart is sad because I hate that he has meltdowns like I do. I guess that he has inherited some of that from me.I know that it is hard for me to understand why I go into a meltdown. I do know that it has to do with my own lack of believing in myself at times. It is as if I finally surrender to the words that come at me. Words that my father spoke over me of failure and being trash. I don't believe that Josh has ever had those words spoken over him by his parents. I wonder though, if it has nothing to do with what they spoke, but what he believes I "spoke"when I gave him up for adoption. If that is what he believes, then my heart is extremely sad. When I surrendered him to his parents, I was speaking love in the only manner I could to him. My life was so messed up. That I wasn't dead was by the grace of God and the decision to not let what others had said about me kill me.My heart is sad right now.
August 14, 2007
I believe this is the week that Josh goes off to college. I have had him on my mind for the past two weeks so heavy. Wondering what he is thinking, wondering what his plans are. Do they include me ever? I figure they do, and I want them too, but I don't truly feel that I deserve to be in his life. Maybe it is a self punishment of sorts.I haven't heard anything from Joann, I hope they are all well. I know when Kara and Haleigh went off to school, it was a hard time for my heart. I missed them both so much, I felt like I was just really beginning to know who they were as adults. I am still learning them as who they are as adults all these years later. Sometimes I feel like I have failed them all miserably, but in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like I honestly did the very best that I knew how to do for them. Still the feelings of inadequacy loom at times. I feel this a lot with Chelsea and the boys. I try do keep my life lined up with the Word of God, and pray that where I have messed up, He and the kids will forgive me and have great mercy on me.
December 3, 2007
Josh,I know you had surgery last month. I hope you are okay. My heart goes out to you.I know you have been sidelined for playing soccer because of this. I am praying that God will restore you completely so that you can play again at full force. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I love you.
December 31, 2007
Wow! Where has the time gone? I have seen your pictures and watched you grow through them. I have seen you change from the wonderful full cheeked little boy to the wonderfully handsome young man you have become. I see all of my children in your pics. It is a glad thing for my heart to see you in them also.I wonder if 2008 will be the year we get to meet. It is such an overwhelming thought! I want to with all my heart to see you. Yet, I am scared to death! Scared of rejection, hurt, truth, anger, and so many other things that come to mind on occasion.I hope who I am doesn't disappoint you. I am just a simple woman. I still fight some of the "demons" of my past. In my head I know they are lies but in my heart they echo the insecurities of who I am. I not only feel this way about you, but also of my children. I don't want to disappoint them either.I love you.
March 5, 2008
The twins' b'day
What an emotional roller coaster that has been. I was in class all day with my mind on them most of the day. It also turned to Josh also. Jordy looks so much like the pics I have of Josh. Jordy has also laid claim to a pic. of Josh that reminds him of himself. Both my fellas are really beginning to anticipate meeting Josh and his family. Chelsea is a bit anxious.My granny has been sick. I have been quite concerned about her. We have began planning Haleigh's wedding. That will certainly take up quite a bit of time until November. It is a good thing. Hopefully Josh and his family will get to be here.
May 19, 2008
My dear Josh is in my home sleeping. I have got to hold his hand,look into his eyes, and hear him tell me he loves me. Thank you Lord. Thursday came fast in preparing for his visit. I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to. The kids have wholeheartedly absorbed him into the
family. He has always been a part of our family. It seems like the kids just grabbed up the puzzle piece of Josh and the placed him smack dab in the center of our family. He fits very very well. It will once again hurt to let him go. I will probably go to class with swollen eyes after crying all the way to Paris. My heart though is very happy. Very happy. His parents are absolutely positively the ones I am so thankful for. They have kept their word. They have loved him and taken care of him better than I think I ever could have. Thank you Lord!
May 21, 2007
I have called Josh and emailed him.I still haven't heard from him. I am trying to not think negatively, but that is where I am right now...emotionally.This has been a wonderful time for me and my family. What if he wants the kids and not me in his life? That will be wonderful for them, but I will be very sad inside for myself. I wonder if he and Joann are having emotional thoughts like this. Probably not, I say that so easily, it isn't meant to be flippant. I guess it is just my own anxiety being magnified right now. Hopefully I will hear from him soon.