Thursday, April 16, 2009

How To Medicate You Cat or Dog :o)

I hope this makes you smile.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply medicated compress to cheek to disinfect.Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the stupid cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little critter's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hades and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.


Karen Gill said...

I love it!!! Yes, I have lived through several similar incidents.
Ain't pets grand!?

Hollyrocks said...

HILARIOUS and true! I took my cat to the vet once, and the vet tech was very sure of her cat-pilling abilities. She said that in 15 years of working with animals, she had never met a cat she couldn't give a pill to. Poor lady, her record was broken that day.

I laughed so hard at "mutant cat from hades", that was great. Thanks for posting!

CheshireCatsGrin said...

Hahah, so true!

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