Monday, August 9, 2010

3333.3 Miles (part 2)

I emailed Josh and asked him if there was anything he wanted me to do or any place he wanted me to go while I was there. The one thing he requested I do was to go to open mike on Monday night. I wanted to see him sing in public, so I was so thankful that I was invited to go. Open mike was held at
The Buttonwood Tree in Middletown.
It is definitely an artsy type place with people that stretch me way beyond my comfort zone.  I am glad I went. I think every town should have a place similar to this.

I impatiently awaited Josh's turn to perform. I watched the others that were there, trying to saturate myself into Josh's life. His mom was sitting next to me. She has been his number on cheerleader all of his life and his best friend. I sat pondering my life decision to give him up for adoption and wondered how different his life would have been if I hadn't. I wondered if I would have had what he needed in his life, sadly I realized that would not have, that is why I gave him up. Floods of emotions hit me sitting in that little room with the eclecticnesss of the life and people that were in it.

Isaiah had requested Josh to wear his spy glasses while he performed on the stage that night. Uncle Josh gladly did so just for the joy of his nephew. Thanks Josh!

I watched Josh wear these goggles and realized that this is one way that we are different.  I don't think I would have ever had the courage to do that. To make myself looks so independent of anyone else. I think that I prefer to be in the crowd without any one's eyes on me at all.
I am reminded of a picture Joann sent me of Josh when he was maybe four years old. He has a toy guitar in his hands and he is standing in front of a toy mic singing. It must be his comfort zone.

 Kara spent the most time with Josh, when he was available. 

I had to catch myself from feeling sorry for myself. I am an adult woman. I was the one that chose to give Josh up, I should not be hurt because I can't spend the time with him I want to. It was after all... the result of my own decision. I will have to live with it.  I was able to get a balance somewhere in my thoughts and hopefully I did not cause any issue in the house for anyone. I found the easiest way to deal with it was to go take a shower and cry while I was in the shower and then go to bed.

I thought all the way home about what I was feeling, all 3,333.3 miles. I don't normally put much weight on my feelings as they do seem to change quite often. I did however know that I needed to ponder my thoughts and and figure out where I think I  stand in this equation of Josh's  and my relationship.

From what I observed, I believe his relationship with his siblings is his priority. This is to be expected, as he has a mom and dad. I don't think he really needs me in his life. I will make it a point to stay in the back ground. I am doing what I can to not post on his f.b. but just on occasion. I will not initiate a chat with him when I see him online.  I am hoping that giving him this space, he will not feel crowded by me.

A few weeks before we went to CT, I was so excited to get to hear him sing on the radio. He had posted the station and time of his performance on his f.b. I found it online and bookmarked it. I could hardly wait to hear him! He played and sung live for one hour on the radio. My heart was beaming with so much pride. It was wonderful hearing him. It wasn't until after we got to CT, that I realized that maybe I had crossed a line of privacy there. It was not my place to be beaming with pride. It was his parents, and they indeed were. I don't think they know, that I had heard him that night.

He is coming to Texas in October. I am very happy that he is coming. I am preparing my heart to not be disappointed when his time is divided among my five children. As an adult I see that this is the most important thing to him.I am so thankful that my children are being healed from this life long hurt that has been in their hearts.I pray that Josh is too.

As a birth mother, I want to have him all to myself. Before this trip, I had planned on a trip back up there later in the fall. That would have allowed  just the two of us could have some alone time. Hindsight says not to do this, I don't think that will happen for quite a while...or if ever.  I will have to find my peace in my belief that the Lord put him on this earth for Rick and Joann. 

I am not entitled to anything more than what he is willing to give me.
That in essence, what he got from me.


Penrose Designs said...

You are a brave and wonderful woman! Josh is blessed to have you has his biological mom! You are a part of his life for the rest of your lives. Live in that.

Anonymous said...

Wow Angela...such a torrent of thoughts and emotions to have to struggle with. I pray that the Lord gives you wisdom and that He heals the hurt in your heart and takes away anything that He didn't put there...whether guilt, remorse or other. May your heart and mind be filled with the Knowledge of His love.