Thursday, May 7, 2009

Why would someone give their child up for adoption??

I have heard the whispers for over 20 years. I have only had a few people out right ask me why. One was a team mate on Etsy the other's were family and of course Josh.

I am writing this to give an answer to those who have wondered and have respected me and loved me enough to not pry into a place that was not ready to be opened until these past few months. Thank you for respecting me and for loving me through the times that I had no words to express what was going on inside of me.

I have never been able to really put the why into words until this past year. I still struggle to find the right words, but there are a few that I can use to describe where I was at in my life at that time. I was not a young unwed mother. I was in my late twenties and had two children. My ex-husband and I had separated and there was no resolving our issues. The marriage was over, he was gone.

When I first realized I was pregnant, an anxiety hit me that is indescribable. I felt so all alone and so overwhelmed with my two little girls. I didn't know how in the world I was going to be able to take care of another child, but I did know that the value of this precious bundle was beyond any thing that could be priced. I never gave abortion a thought. This little being was designed to be here and I was not going to interfere with the plan of God!

I fought emotional battles the whole time I was pregnant, there was no support for me with the exception of my dear Wes, my grandparents who lived 200 miles from me and Josh's life parents who lived in CT. The adoption agency I chose was of no true support. Their main concern was the $$$. I was an outcast at church to the point that I had to quit going. It by no means was a good time in my life.

I loved the baby and I didn't want any harm to come to him. I felt that I had to protect him, from me. That is such a sad statement, but it is the most honest statement there is to answer the above question.

I felt abandoned and unwanted, I didn't know how to deal with or how to address my anger and fear. It was anger from over 20 years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. The rage was coming to a head and I felt and explosion on the immediate horizon. At that point and time in my life, my anger was so out of control I truly did not think I would be able control my anger once the baby was born. I wasn't angry at him, he was just a sweet precious life waiting to be birthed into this world. I was angry at the whole world and at the thought of having to live a life in the midst of the chaos of life that I was in. This anger I remember began when I was 8 years old. I remember the day it began and the circumstances around it.

I had to protect the innocent baby from me. Even my two precious little girls needed to be protected from me. I was finding myself beginning repeat the same physical abuse that I had endured as a child. Thankfully I had a good man in my life and had just recently surrendered my life to the Lord. Wesley held me accountable and prayed over me and for me continually.

I wanted to celebrate this little person and I wanted him to be celebrated in life. I knew that I had to find the parents God had for him. I believe that when I got pregnant, God took that opportunity to answer the prayers of Josh's parents. God knew my heart was to love that little boy to the very best of my ability, even if it meant not having him in my life for his sake. I can stand before the Lord, and know that I did what I thought was the very best thing, so I am at peace.

God has delivered me from the hurt, anger, bitterness and hate that I had built a fortress with. One that had me held as a hostage in my own life. He healed my heart and set it free. He brought joy into my life and set my feet to dancing. That is what allowed me to live all those years without Josh in my life. God has filled every gap and covered every hurt with His healing love. He has protected and held my heart. He has caught every single tear I have cried over the years. He has never once left my side. He has put no shame on me. He has brought me to complete restoration in Him.

May 9th is Birthmother's Day. If you know a birthmother, say a prayer for her. Give her a hug and tell her thank you for chosing life.

22 comments:

kristiana said...

You are amazing.
Praising the Lord for you.

Hampton House said...

oh thank you Kristiana.
God truly is so faithful, isn't He?

LittlePeanutShop said...

Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you for choosing life for your little one.

Hollyrocks said...

I think you are a big person for not only having the strength to do what you felt was necessary, but also because you are able to address it. To me, your decision makes perfect sense. Thanks for this post!

mattscraftywife said...

Awwwwwe! *hugs HH* What a sweet and painful story. I'm sure it was VERY hard to tell. Love ya!

Anastasia said...

You did the right thing!

I'm so glad to hear that you found Christ during this. He is such a help when dealing with issues like this. Sounds like you found your perfect man too. ;)

leeleeoh7 said...

Thank you for sharing your story. You truly are a remarkable woman, and I'll keep you in my thoughts this "birthmother's day".

Kelli said...

As an adopted person myself, I give thanks to those who have the inner strength to go through the entire pregnancy, and to give their child to a loving family who truly wants to have a precious baby. Our babies are God's greatest, most precious gifts. May God bless Josh, his parents and his birth mother.

Heartsabustin said...

You are an awesome testimony to the Lord, honey. *hugs* to you for all you have endured. The mountaintop is awesome, isn't it?

Karen said...

I admire you for what you did. You blessed anothers life by giving up someone you loved! I was adopted as a baby and am so thankful for my birth mother for giving me up. I love my family and know that God loves you very much for your sacrifice! Thanks for sharing that very personal story.

Rhonda said...

Angela, thank you for sharing this part of your heart. I can think of no greater gift than the gift of life. Josh has two mothers to love him and that is so beautiful.

WingsDove said...

You loved your baby and wanted the best for him, even if it meant tearing yourself away from him. Letting go of someone or something that you love so much, such as your own child, takes great love and selflessness. Only God could love more than this. You were wise and very brave to make this decision. You continue to be brave by your open mind and heart. Thank you for blessing me with the truth of your story.

Christine Burgess said...

God bless you for sharing your inspiring story. My daughter gave up her son for adoption when she was 19 and every year of his birthdate is very hard for her. She is happy with his adopted family (as she chose them herself) but still feels sadness on this day. It was a time that words can't describe for all of us, but I believe God was there the entire time and her little boy was given a chance at a life she couldn't really give him at the time. Thank you again for sharing this very personal part of your life.

Karen Gill hidingplacebeadery.etsy.com said...

Thank you for sharing this story Angela. I'm sure someone somewhere NEEDS to know one way to make an informed decision. Bless you for opening up this difficult time in your life to all of us.
Hugs,
Karen

Christine said...

I am birth mother. Annnd ..... writteing about it on my blog ... glad I saw this post!

LightNM said...

HH it is May 9th and I want to send you big hugs and say –

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING LIFE!

Inspector Clouseau said...

Saw your invitation in the Coffee Shop feature of Google Groups Help Group, and decided to visit. Nice work.

Probably was the topic. Hot button, emotional topics generate lots of traffic.

Hampton House said...

I have had over 1200 hits on this blog. I am so thankful and overwhelmed at the response. Thank you for taking the time to read and share Birth Mother's Day with me.
Blessings upon each of you.

katy said...

wow, you are amazing! this post is truly brave and so honest. thank you for sharing.

Nita said...

that was beautiful and so sad at the same time. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Michelle said...

That must have been so hard! I agree with kristiana--you're amazing! What a blessing you are to so many people!

Luscious Lather said...

Thank God for women like you and my own birth mother! Thank God that you put yourself dead last and put your baby first in every single way and made the ultimate sacrifice for him! Thank God that for you, there was nothing more important than your baby and giving him the very best! I am so blessed to know you and so blessed that you have opened the door of your heart and let the light of God's love shine outward. You hold a very special place in my heart, Angela. You are indeed, an amazing woman! Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. I am very blessed by it. ♥Diane

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