Sunday, November 30, 2008
Just a quick encouragement hug.
Remember, God is as close to you as your very breath. When you
inhale, He is in the midst of you. Do not worry or be concerned
about what seems so big and overwhelming. NONE of it is too big or
too overwhelming for the True God of the Universe. If that God is in
your midst, what have you to worry or fret about? Your worries and
frets should be worrying and fretting.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
A prayer answered
When I was in 6th grade, I began to babysit for a lady that lived down the street from me. It was my lst summer job. She had a son that was about 6 months old. The distance was good for me, I didn't have to get a ride over there and the hours were good also. The hours allowed me to be out of the house alot of the time my dad was in the house. Cathy became a protector to to me, she one of the first ones that I realize God had put in my life, as a young person. When I was 16 I ran away from home and left Texarkana completely to not return for 10 years. I eventually landed at my grandparent's home to live with them. I lived in Arkansas for quite a few years, my heart missed Cathy but, she had moved and I had lost all contact with her.
She had gotten a divorce and was about to remarry when I had left. I didn't even know what her fiance's name was. Because Cathy had given me a safe place to hide and be sheltered all those years I loved her dearly for her protection. I didn't see it as the Lord's protection at that time, but truly that is what it was.
As time passed, I would try to search as much as I could to find her if I went to Texarkana for a visit with my aunt and uncle. It was totally fruitless. This was before the Internet or computers were a household staple.
Finally in 1988 I moved back to Texarkana. I was pregnant with Josh. My ex-husband asked me to please move from Shreveport and not to tell anyone that I was pregnant. For some reason, that is exactly what I did. I had met Wesley my husband while I was pregnant. He lived in Texarkana. That sounded like a good landing place to me.
Back to Cathy...It has been 10 years since I had seen or heard from Cathy. My heart loved her so much. I was so grateful that she was willing to protect me to the best of her ability. I wonder now the discussions that she and my dad might have had. I guess it is better that I don't know about them. I continued to search for my beloved Cathy, old neighbors, ex-family, old landlord....nothing ever came of my continued search.
One Sunday after church, I was in the kitchen cleaning up after lunch. I was praying for Cathy and for Little Jim. I had just asked the Lord to please help me find Cathy as, I didn't know what else to do. I was figuring Little Jim's age as I was praying for him. That is when I looked at my bottle of Dawn and thought, I need to run to Kmart and buy some more. I only have 1/4 of a bottle left. So I stopped what I was doing, and told Wes that I would be back in about 10 minutes. I got into K-mart and was still praying for Cathy as I was walking up and down the aisles. I finally spotted the detergent aisle and head in that direction. I picked up the faithful old blue bottle and headed to the end of the aisle.
I stopped in my tracks! There stood my precious most wonderful Cathy! I began sobbing and thanking God in the same breaths! At first she did not recognize me. She had been in a serious car wreck six months before and could not place me. Once we talked for a few minutes, she remembered me! My heart was soooo happy! If my heart could have jumped out of my body and to do a happy dance, it certainly would have! She was with some of her family, as she wasn't able to drive yet, I took her home with me that day and hoarded her up in my bedroom! I introduced her to Wes and then it was just the two of us for 5-6 hours. It was such a wonderful reunion!
She was living across town in the other state. For those who don't know, Texarkana is a twin city. There is Texarkana, TX and Texarkana, AR. There were 3-4 K-Marts between where she lived and I lived. She could have gone to any one of them. God directed them(her family)all the way across a state line into her old neighborhood just for me. He heard my prayer, and he answered it.
This was one of the times in my life that I felt the love of my Father so present!
I knew He had moved on my behalf so that my heart would be happy. He had worked all things for the good of me. He was moved by compassion for His daughter that He loved so much.
She had gotten a divorce and was about to remarry when I had left. I didn't even know what her fiance's name was. Because Cathy had given me a safe place to hide and be sheltered all those years I loved her dearly for her protection. I didn't see it as the Lord's protection at that time, but truly that is what it was.
As time passed, I would try to search as much as I could to find her if I went to Texarkana for a visit with my aunt and uncle. It was totally fruitless. This was before the Internet or computers were a household staple.
Finally in 1988 I moved back to Texarkana. I was pregnant with Josh. My ex-husband asked me to please move from Shreveport and not to tell anyone that I was pregnant. For some reason, that is exactly what I did. I had met Wesley my husband while I was pregnant. He lived in Texarkana. That sounded like a good landing place to me.
Back to Cathy...It has been 10 years since I had seen or heard from Cathy. My heart loved her so much. I was so grateful that she was willing to protect me to the best of her ability. I wonder now the discussions that she and my dad might have had. I guess it is better that I don't know about them. I continued to search for my beloved Cathy, old neighbors, ex-family, old landlord....nothing ever came of my continued search.
One Sunday after church, I was in the kitchen cleaning up after lunch. I was praying for Cathy and for Little Jim. I had just asked the Lord to please help me find Cathy as, I didn't know what else to do. I was figuring Little Jim's age as I was praying for him. That is when I looked at my bottle of Dawn and thought, I need to run to Kmart and buy some more. I only have 1/4 of a bottle left. So I stopped what I was doing, and told Wes that I would be back in about 10 minutes. I got into K-mart and was still praying for Cathy as I was walking up and down the aisles. I finally spotted the detergent aisle and head in that direction. I picked up the faithful old blue bottle and headed to the end of the aisle.
I stopped in my tracks! There stood my precious most wonderful Cathy! I began sobbing and thanking God in the same breaths! At first she did not recognize me. She had been in a serious car wreck six months before and could not place me. Once we talked for a few minutes, she remembered me! My heart was soooo happy! If my heart could have jumped out of my body and to do a happy dance, it certainly would have! She was with some of her family, as she wasn't able to drive yet, I took her home with me that day and hoarded her up in my bedroom! I introduced her to Wes and then it was just the two of us for 5-6 hours. It was such a wonderful reunion!
She was living across town in the other state. For those who don't know, Texarkana is a twin city. There is Texarkana, TX and Texarkana, AR. There were 3-4 K-Marts between where she lived and I lived. She could have gone to any one of them. God directed them(her family)all the way across a state line into her old neighborhood just for me. He heard my prayer, and he answered it.
This was one of the times in my life that I felt the love of my Father so present!
I knew He had moved on my behalf so that my heart would be happy. He had worked all things for the good of me. He was moved by compassion for His daughter that He loved so much.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Reality
This has been a hard day for me. Facing the reality of what God is showing me. It really isn't a judgement on me...but a clearer picture of where I am at in Him. He is bidding me to draw nearer than ever before. He is wanting me to come out of my place of comfort and operate fully in Him. He is calling me to be more bold than I have ever been, and to speak the truth as I never have before. If I don't do this and I face reality in this way again...then I feel I will be being judged for my apathy. It will be a sad sad sight. I am challenged to rise to the occasion. I am challenged to stop long enough to make a difference in this hurting dying world. Either I am going to make a difference, or I just plain don't care. Ugh!! It is black and white...absolutely positively no grey areas here. Lord, let your love flow through me to make that difference, let your love in me draw people to me. Let me be sensitive and responsive to their needs. Let me be the one that that points them to you. Father, if I don't then it is because I either don't believe in hell or I just don't care. Cause my flesh to submit to Your Spirit in me. Cause me to not cower and bow down to anyone but You. Let Your Spirit rise in me, and lead me in only Your ways. Cause me to operate in your anointing and not my pride and or flesh.Cause me to be accountable for my words and deeds. Cause me to live a life of greater integrity. Cause me to keep my eyes focused on You and what You would have me do. In the precious name of Jesus I pray. amen
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Getting my Fire Insurance
When I was a small child, my mom took us to church. I remember watching the tears run down her face, I knew that I loved her and that she loved Jesus. If my mom loved Jesus, then surely he was wonderful. Alot of things happened after that time in church, in my parent's marriage.
I really don't understand it or remember most of it, but I do remember my dad demanding that my mom have his Sunday meal on the table at 12 o'clock. Period. There was no wiggle room with my dad. His word was the law. We did not want to be outlaws in our own home. So mother quit going to church. She would take us and pick us up, or the church bus would. This went on for several years. Mother's heart became distant from the Lord, I didn't understand it back then, but now as an adult and mom of 5, I see how if a coal is removed from fire, it will grow cold.
Thankfully mother did her best to keep us in church as children. My heart knew that Jesus was special because my mom and my grandparents loved him. I loved Jesus, but I didn' want him telling me what to do. I was young and I was determined that I was going to have fun until I was old, at least 20. I had decided after I had my fun, that I would then give my heart to Jesus. I continued going to church, all of my friends at church were giving their hearts to the Lord. I wasn't going to, I wanted to have fun. Now, exactly what does fun mean to a 14-15 year old The church I attendend was a very strict no movies, no dancing type church so I guess that is what I was so concerned about. I didn't go to my first movie until I was a senior in high school. So back to not wanting to surrender my fun. I was the only child out of 4 that continued to go to church on a regular basis. There was a secret to my reasoning. It was that I got out of the house and didn't have to put up with the issue of life that occurred there. I could even lay down and go to sleep if I needed to. The pews were cushioned and were softer than the floorboard of the car.
Thankfully, all this time I was in church, I was marinating in the Word of God. It was sinking in.
It was reaching my spiritman. The pastor was preaching in Revelations. I was still not ready to surrender my fun. Then..... I had a nightmare one night. I dreamed that the Lord came back, and I was left behind. I knew that I had made this decision in my dream to not get saved. I knew this was my judgement time in my dream. It was horrible. My own selfishness had kept me out of heaven. I was doomed to hell, that is unless, I was willing to be nibbled on by little mice and then have my head cut off, then maybe I could go to heaven. Remember I said that it was a night mare. Night mares don't normally make sense. I remember looking at the date on the calendar in my dream. It was July 7, 1977....all sevens. I woke up in a panic! July 7th was just a few days a way. I had to get to the church so that I could be saved! I don't guess I knew that I could just give my heart to Jesus at home, ofcourse, I know I was sure that Jesus wasn't in our home, there was too much hell in that house for Jesus to show up. I was sure He didn't want anything to do with us. We were trash, as my father called us. Anyway.... I got to church the following Sunday, I could barely wait until the alter call. I think I was at the alter before the official alter call was made. I had to make sure that I had my fire insurance. I did not want to go to hell.
This is a very breif synopsis of when I gave my heart to Jesus. Sorry if it was choppy.
It is here though, Thankfully His grace has carried me through so much healing, and His love has healed my wounds....one by one.
I really don't understand it or remember most of it, but I do remember my dad demanding that my mom have his Sunday meal on the table at 12 o'clock. Period. There was no wiggle room with my dad. His word was the law. We did not want to be outlaws in our own home. So mother quit going to church. She would take us and pick us up, or the church bus would. This went on for several years. Mother's heart became distant from the Lord, I didn't understand it back then, but now as an adult and mom of 5, I see how if a coal is removed from fire, it will grow cold.
Thankfully mother did her best to keep us in church as children. My heart knew that Jesus was special because my mom and my grandparents loved him. I loved Jesus, but I didn' want him telling me what to do. I was young and I was determined that I was going to have fun until I was old, at least 20. I had decided after I had my fun, that I would then give my heart to Jesus. I continued going to church, all of my friends at church were giving their hearts to the Lord. I wasn't going to, I wanted to have fun. Now, exactly what does fun mean to a 14-15 year old The church I attendend was a very strict no movies, no dancing type church so I guess that is what I was so concerned about. I didn't go to my first movie until I was a senior in high school. So back to not wanting to surrender my fun. I was the only child out of 4 that continued to go to church on a regular basis. There was a secret to my reasoning. It was that I got out of the house and didn't have to put up with the issue of life that occurred there. I could even lay down and go to sleep if I needed to. The pews were cushioned and were softer than the floorboard of the car.
Thankfully, all this time I was in church, I was marinating in the Word of God. It was sinking in.
It was reaching my spiritman. The pastor was preaching in Revelations. I was still not ready to surrender my fun. Then..... I had a nightmare one night. I dreamed that the Lord came back, and I was left behind. I knew that I had made this decision in my dream to not get saved. I knew this was my judgement time in my dream. It was horrible. My own selfishness had kept me out of heaven. I was doomed to hell, that is unless, I was willing to be nibbled on by little mice and then have my head cut off, then maybe I could go to heaven. Remember I said that it was a night mare. Night mares don't normally make sense. I remember looking at the date on the calendar in my dream. It was July 7, 1977....all sevens. I woke up in a panic! July 7th was just a few days a way. I had to get to the church so that I could be saved! I don't guess I knew that I could just give my heart to Jesus at home, ofcourse, I know I was sure that Jesus wasn't in our home, there was too much hell in that house for Jesus to show up. I was sure He didn't want anything to do with us. We were trash, as my father called us. Anyway.... I got to church the following Sunday, I could barely wait until the alter call. I think I was at the alter before the official alter call was made. I had to make sure that I had my fire insurance. I did not want to go to hell.
This is a very breif synopsis of when I gave my heart to Jesus. Sorry if it was choppy.
It is here though, Thankfully His grace has carried me through so much healing, and His love has healed my wounds....one by one.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Alum, Pickles and Love
I have a container of alum sitting on my kitchen window as a reminder of how my love tastes to other people. Occasionally I will take a small taste just as an extra reminder.
One day I was before the Lord, crying my heart out over my perceived rejection from the world. I was doing everything I knew to do to love those around me, and of course fully expecting their gratefulness back! Then I had a vision of the hand of God with a small amount of Alum in it. The Lord said, "taste this." I said," oh Lord, I know what that taste like, and it is soooo bitter! Why would I want to have that taste in my mouth?"(as a little girl, I mistakenly took a big wallup of it thinking that the container said almond instead of alum boy was I surprised!) Anyway,back to the Lord wanting me to taste this Alum that He had before me. I obeyed and put a little on my finger and tasted the yukky bitterness of it wondering what this had to do with my hurting heart and the rejection I was feeling. I was sure He had heard me wrong, so He was answering my cry/prayer wrong. I need to re-explain myself to Him I was sure. Once I recovered from the taste, the Lord told me that that is what my love tastes like to others. When I serve it up, that is what those that get a dose of it taste. I was in horror! Was my love that bad I wondered?!?!? Could it (my love)really be used to make pickles? Oh my goodness no wonder I felt so rejected...no one wanted my love! You see, I had not realized that only the perfect love of God is what people truly want.Unadulterated, nonjudgmental, unselfish, no strings attached love. God is our only true source of love, and if the love we are giving out isn't coming from Him, then what we are giving, certainly isn't Him. Only His love has the ability to heal the broken hearted, to bind up the wounds and to bring true joy and peace to those around us, and including us.
So make sure you are going to the true source of love, before you start dishing out portions of love to those around you.
One day I was before the Lord, crying my heart out over my perceived rejection from the world. I was doing everything I knew to do to love those around me, and of course fully expecting their gratefulness back! Then I had a vision of the hand of God with a small amount of Alum in it. The Lord said, "taste this." I said," oh Lord, I know what that taste like, and it is soooo bitter! Why would I want to have that taste in my mouth?"(as a little girl, I mistakenly took a big wallup of it thinking that the container said almond instead of alum boy was I surprised!) Anyway,back to the Lord wanting me to taste this Alum that He had before me. I obeyed and put a little on my finger and tasted the yukky bitterness of it wondering what this had to do with my hurting heart and the rejection I was feeling. I was sure He had heard me wrong, so He was answering my cry/prayer wrong. I need to re-explain myself to Him I was sure. Once I recovered from the taste, the Lord told me that that is what my love tastes like to others. When I serve it up, that is what those that get a dose of it taste. I was in horror! Was my love that bad I wondered?!?!? Could it (my love)really be used to make pickles? Oh my goodness no wonder I felt so rejected...no one wanted my love! You see, I had not realized that only the perfect love of God is what people truly want.Unadulterated, nonjudgmental, unselfish, no strings attached love. God is our only true source of love, and if the love we are giving out isn't coming from Him, then what we are giving, certainly isn't Him. Only His love has the ability to heal the broken hearted, to bind up the wounds and to bring true joy and peace to those around us, and including us.
So make sure you are going to the true source of love, before you start dishing out portions of love to those around you.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My Daddy and Me! :o)
God gave me this vision...it was so awesome! His love is so sweet, and He is so powerful!
Let me see.....if i can explain this so you can get the full just of what i saw......I saw me as a little girl, running into the Courtyard of Praise, right to the Holy of Holies, hollering for my daddy(the Lord) I finally get there.....no one is stopping me...I am out of breath...huffing and puffing.....it is so urgent that I see my daddy! I know that I have a big problem and I need my daddy's help to take care of it. As I get to the Throne Room.....I see Him there sitting....and He just let me jump smack dab in the middle of His lap, like a little girl would, and I nuzzled up to Him. Ifelt soooo safe.(Jesus was there too.....I remember seeing Him as I ran in....but I needed my daddy.....) I rememberlooking around and thinking well when are you going to do something? He heard my thought and said,"Angela....I did all I am gong to do a long time ago, your problem is already taken care of". He didn't even move....nor Jesus.....I remember looking out towards where I had run from and there were great big winged beings.....I knew they were my angels...I felt their presence as I was running. My daddy lifted his hand as to give them direction....they went to take care of what ever was needing taken care of...and I stayed in His lap.....they did return...and I knew everything was okay. My daddy, one more time, had it all under control.I don't know how many of you know this, but my earthly father died when I was 19(over half my life ago)and I adopted my Father to be my daddy at that time....so our relationship is just like that of a daddy and daughter. I am the apple of His eye...He lovesme sooooooooo much. I never ever dreamed I could be loved as much as I comprehend Him loving me...His love goes so far beyond my limited mind....and His love covers the multitude of my sins. Hallelujah! Well, that is it...I am such a Happy Little Girl, so comforted from His love! As y'all know daddy and I dance too.....I get on his feet in the spirit...and we go round and round and round......I just love it when we twirl!
Praises and Glory and Honor to my Daddy!
~~~~~
I want to include in this blog that anyone who reads this can be a daddy's girl. My Father loves you just as much as He loves me. Everything He has given to me He will give to you. It is as simple as accepting Him in your heart as your saviour and accepting His love just where you are.
There is no need for pretenses. He knows you and He knows me every blemish, every hair, every gift, and every breath. He created this earth just for us and He gave us our name before He even created the earth.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Scents of life and love
I was never a daddy's girl... always a Papa's girl . He has been in heaven for 14 years now.
I went to vist my grandmother for the first time in about 5 years in July for my birthday.
I have seen her in the 5 years, it just hasn't been at her house.
Once we got our initial hugs and kisses over with, I immediately went to my Pa's old bedroom. Granny has now made it her sewing room. The gold velvet curtains were gone, the bed was gone. My heart was saddened. I knew though that the best place to find the scent of my Pa would be in his closet. His scent had always been there! I opened the door to the closet and there sat hundreds of pieces of material and some unfinished quilts. I took a deep breath knowing that I would smell that wonderful musty propane earthy smell of my Pa. I was wrong! My heart skipped a beat! How could this have happened? Where did his scent go? I searched all through the house with my nose trying to find that wonderfully comforting scent.
I never found it. This is the first time that I have really missed my Pa and wanted to cry. I always found comfort in being in his bedroom and just closing my eyes and there he was...still very vivid in my memories.
The memories are still there, but I feel like I lost some part of my Pa. I love him so much.
He and my granny were my source of encouragement and love as a child growing up. It seemed as though they always showed up when things at home were getting to be unbearable. They were there long enough (2days) to fill my heart with the love of Jesus and be on their way back home again. I would sob each and everytime they left or we left them. Only when I was with them did I feel safe. I guess in the scent of my Pa, I found a place of safety.
I don't need that safety anymore, I just wanted one more smell of my Pa. I want my children to know what he smelled like. I wanted to share with them what little I had left of him that isn't in my heart. I want them to love him as much as I do. I want them to know how wonderfully special he was...what a wonderful Christian man he was.
I hope when I am in heaven, my children will remember what I smelled like. I hope it will bring sweet memories to their mind. I hope this for my grandchildren that are to come also. I only smell like one thing, Jessica McClintock. I hope it is around for a long long time.
I went to vist my grandmother for the first time in about 5 years in July for my birthday.
I have seen her in the 5 years, it just hasn't been at her house.
Once we got our initial hugs and kisses over with, I immediately went to my Pa's old bedroom. Granny has now made it her sewing room. The gold velvet curtains were gone, the bed was gone. My heart was saddened. I knew though that the best place to find the scent of my Pa would be in his closet. His scent had always been there! I opened the door to the closet and there sat hundreds of pieces of material and some unfinished quilts. I took a deep breath knowing that I would smell that wonderful musty propane earthy smell of my Pa. I was wrong! My heart skipped a beat! How could this have happened? Where did his scent go? I searched all through the house with my nose trying to find that wonderfully comforting scent.
I never found it. This is the first time that I have really missed my Pa and wanted to cry. I always found comfort in being in his bedroom and just closing my eyes and there he was...still very vivid in my memories.
The memories are still there, but I feel like I lost some part of my Pa. I love him so much.
He and my granny were my source of encouragement and love as a child growing up. It seemed as though they always showed up when things at home were getting to be unbearable. They were there long enough (2days) to fill my heart with the love of Jesus and be on their way back home again. I would sob each and everytime they left or we left them. Only when I was with them did I feel safe. I guess in the scent of my Pa, I found a place of safety.
I don't need that safety anymore, I just wanted one more smell of my Pa. I want my children to know what he smelled like. I wanted to share with them what little I had left of him that isn't in my heart. I want them to love him as much as I do. I want them to know how wonderfully special he was...what a wonderful Christian man he was.
I hope when I am in heaven, my children will remember what I smelled like. I hope it will bring sweet memories to their mind. I hope this for my grandchildren that are to come also. I only smell like one thing, Jessica McClintock. I hope it is around for a long long time.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Personal Notes on Josh
I am committed to being transparent the adoption. Therefore when I came across these notes I decided to share them with those who have followed the reunion blog. Most of them were before I met him. The last 2 are afterwards.
January 8, 2007
The reality of what this year could bring is beginning to set in. My heart is happy, scared, anxious, overwhelmed. Those are just a few of the adjectives I can use to describe what I am feeling. I have always known the day would come for my reuniting with Josh. It seemed so far into the future for so long. I was able to dismiss the thought of seeing him again fora long time. This time I can't. This time I can actually allow my thoughts to go beyond the boundries I sat formy heart all those years ago. I guess I need to verify that he still wants me at his graduation and find out when it is. I will have to start saving for the trip. I don't know what it will cost, but I do trust the Lord to keep that which I have committed toHim. I committed this lifetime of Josh's and his parents to the Lord with promise of a reunion. So I trust the Lord will make provision for me.
February 2, 2007
I really need to get the date of Josh's graduation.I guess I also need to confirm he still wants me there. It could be so overwhelming for him...and of course for me. The last thing I want is for him to be put in an odd position due to me. There is so much that goes on the second semester in a seniors life. I can just imagine what all plans are made for the next few months. I pray they all go well.
August 6, 2007
There has been a little contact with Joann. Seems like Josh has had a very hard time in the spring and up to his graduation. My heart is sad because I hate that he has meltdowns like I do. I guess that he has inherited some of that from me.I know that it is hard for me to understand why I go into a meltdown. I do know that it has to do with my own lack of believing in myself at times. It is as if I finally surrender to the words that come at me. Words that my father spoke over me of failure and being trash. I don't believe that Josh has ever had those words spoken over him by his parents. I wonder though, if it has nothing to do with what they spoke, but what he believes I "spoke"when I gave him up for adoption. If that is what he believes, then my heart is extremely sad. When I surrendered him to his parents, I was speaking love in the only manner I could to him. My life was so messed up. That I wasn't dead was by the grace of God and the decision to not let what others had said about me kill me.My heart is sad right now.
August 14, 2007
I believe this is the week that Josh goes off to college. I have had him on my mind for the past two weeks so heavy. Wondering what he is thinking, wondering what his plans are. Do they include me ever? I figure they do, and I want them too, but I don't truly feel that I deserve to be in his life. Maybe it is a self punishment of sorts.I haven't heard anything from Joann, I hope they are all well. I know when Kara and Haleigh went off to school, it was a hard time for my heart. I missed them both so much, I felt like I was just really beginning to know who they were as adults. I am still learning them as who they are as adults all these years later. Sometimes I feel like I have failed them all miserably, but in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like I honestly did the very best that I knew how to do for them. Still the feelings of inadequacy loom at times. I feel this a lot with Chelsea and the boys. I try do keep my life lined up with the Word of God, and pray that where I have messed up, He and the kids will forgive me and have great mercy on me.
December 3, 2007
Josh,I know you had surgery last month. I hope you are okay. My heart goes out to you.I know you have been sidelined for playing soccer because of this. I am praying that God will restore you completely so that you can play again at full force. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I love you.
December 31, 2007
Josh,
Wow! Where has the time gone? I have seen your pictures and watched you grow through them. I have seen you change from the wonderful full cheeked little boy to the wonderfully handsome young man you have become. I see all of my children in your pics. It is a glad thing for my heart to see you in them also.I wonder if 2008 will be the year we get to meet. It is such an overwhelming thought! I want to with all my heart to see you. Yet, I am scared to death! Scared of rejection, hurt, truth, anger, and so many other things that come to mind on occasion.I hope who I am doesn't disappoint you. I am just a simple woman. I still fight some of the "demons" of my past. In my head I know they are lies but in my heart they echo the insecurities of who I am. I not only feel this way about you, but also of my children. I don't want to disappoint them either.I love you.
March 5, 2008
The twins' b'day
What an emotional roller coaster that has been. I was in class all day with my mind on them most of the day. It also turned to Josh also. Jordy looks so much like the pics I have of Josh. Jordy has also laid claim to a pic. of Josh that reminds him of himself. Both my fellas are really beginning to anticipate meeting Josh and his family. Chelsea is a bit anxious.My granny has been sick. I have been quite concerned about her. We have began planning Haleigh's wedding. That will certainly take up quite a bit of time until November. It is a good thing. Hopefully Josh and his family will get to be here.
May 19, 2008
My dear Josh is in my home sleeping. I have got to hold his hand,look into his eyes, and hear him tell me he loves me. Thank you Lord. Thursday came fast in preparing for his visit. I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to. The kids have wholeheartedly absorbed him into the
family. He has always been a part of our family. It seems like the kids just grabbed up the puzzle piece of Josh and the placed him smack dab in the center of our family. He fits very very well. It will once again hurt to let him go. I will probably go to class with swollen eyes after crying all the way to Paris. My heart though is very happy. Very happy. His parents are absolutely positively the ones I am so thankful for. They have kept their word. They have loved him and taken care of him better than I think I ever could have. Thank you Lord!
May 21, 2007
I have called Josh and emailed him.I still haven't heard from him. I am trying to not think negatively, but that is where I am right now...emotionally.This has been a wonderful time for me and my family. What if he wants the kids and not me in his life? That will be wonderful for them, but I will be very sad inside for myself. I wonder if he and Joann are having emotional thoughts like this. Probably not, I say that so easily, it isn't meant to be flippant. I guess it is just my own anxiety being magnified right now. Hopefully I will hear from him soon.
January 8, 2007
The reality of what this year could bring is beginning to set in. My heart is happy, scared, anxious, overwhelmed. Those are just a few of the adjectives I can use to describe what I am feeling. I have always known the day would come for my reuniting with Josh. It seemed so far into the future for so long. I was able to dismiss the thought of seeing him again fora long time. This time I can't. This time I can actually allow my thoughts to go beyond the boundries I sat formy heart all those years ago. I guess I need to verify that he still wants me at his graduation and find out when it is. I will have to start saving for the trip. I don't know what it will cost, but I do trust the Lord to keep that which I have committed toHim. I committed this lifetime of Josh's and his parents to the Lord with promise of a reunion. So I trust the Lord will make provision for me.
February 2, 2007
I really need to get the date of Josh's graduation.I guess I also need to confirm he still wants me there. It could be so overwhelming for him...and of course for me. The last thing I want is for him to be put in an odd position due to me. There is so much that goes on the second semester in a seniors life. I can just imagine what all plans are made for the next few months. I pray they all go well.
August 6, 2007
There has been a little contact with Joann. Seems like Josh has had a very hard time in the spring and up to his graduation. My heart is sad because I hate that he has meltdowns like I do. I guess that he has inherited some of that from me.I know that it is hard for me to understand why I go into a meltdown. I do know that it has to do with my own lack of believing in myself at times. It is as if I finally surrender to the words that come at me. Words that my father spoke over me of failure and being trash. I don't believe that Josh has ever had those words spoken over him by his parents. I wonder though, if it has nothing to do with what they spoke, but what he believes I "spoke"when I gave him up for adoption. If that is what he believes, then my heart is extremely sad. When I surrendered him to his parents, I was speaking love in the only manner I could to him. My life was so messed up. That I wasn't dead was by the grace of God and the decision to not let what others had said about me kill me.My heart is sad right now.
August 14, 2007
I believe this is the week that Josh goes off to college. I have had him on my mind for the past two weeks so heavy. Wondering what he is thinking, wondering what his plans are. Do they include me ever? I figure they do, and I want them too, but I don't truly feel that I deserve to be in his life. Maybe it is a self punishment of sorts.I haven't heard anything from Joann, I hope they are all well. I know when Kara and Haleigh went off to school, it was a hard time for my heart. I missed them both so much, I felt like I was just really beginning to know who they were as adults. I am still learning them as who they are as adults all these years later. Sometimes I feel like I have failed them all miserably, but in the deepest part of my heart, I feel like I honestly did the very best that I knew how to do for them. Still the feelings of inadequacy loom at times. I feel this a lot with Chelsea and the boys. I try do keep my life lined up with the Word of God, and pray that where I have messed up, He and the kids will forgive me and have great mercy on me.
December 3, 2007
Josh,I know you had surgery last month. I hope you are okay. My heart goes out to you.I know you have been sidelined for playing soccer because of this. I am praying that God will restore you completely so that you can play again at full force. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I love you.
December 31, 2007
Josh,
Wow! Where has the time gone? I have seen your pictures and watched you grow through them. I have seen you change from the wonderful full cheeked little boy to the wonderfully handsome young man you have become. I see all of my children in your pics. It is a glad thing for my heart to see you in them also.I wonder if 2008 will be the year we get to meet. It is such an overwhelming thought! I want to with all my heart to see you. Yet, I am scared to death! Scared of rejection, hurt, truth, anger, and so many other things that come to mind on occasion.I hope who I am doesn't disappoint you. I am just a simple woman. I still fight some of the "demons" of my past. In my head I know they are lies but in my heart they echo the insecurities of who I am. I not only feel this way about you, but also of my children. I don't want to disappoint them either.I love you.
March 5, 2008
The twins' b'day
What an emotional roller coaster that has been. I was in class all day with my mind on them most of the day. It also turned to Josh also. Jordy looks so much like the pics I have of Josh. Jordy has also laid claim to a pic. of Josh that reminds him of himself. Both my fellas are really beginning to anticipate meeting Josh and his family. Chelsea is a bit anxious.My granny has been sick. I have been quite concerned about her. We have began planning Haleigh's wedding. That will certainly take up quite a bit of time until November. It is a good thing. Hopefully Josh and his family will get to be here.
May 19, 2008
My dear Josh is in my home sleeping. I have got to hold his hand,look into his eyes, and hear him tell me he loves me. Thank you Lord. Thursday came fast in preparing for his visit. I still didn't get everything done that I wanted to. The kids have wholeheartedly absorbed him into the
family. He has always been a part of our family. It seems like the kids just grabbed up the puzzle piece of Josh and the placed him smack dab in the center of our family. He fits very very well. It will once again hurt to let him go. I will probably go to class with swollen eyes after crying all the way to Paris. My heart though is very happy. Very happy. His parents are absolutely positively the ones I am so thankful for. They have kept their word. They have loved him and taken care of him better than I think I ever could have. Thank you Lord!
May 21, 2007
I have called Josh and emailed him.I still haven't heard from him. I am trying to not think negatively, but that is where I am right now...emotionally.This has been a wonderful time for me and my family. What if he wants the kids and not me in his life? That will be wonderful for them, but I will be very sad inside for myself. I wonder if he and Joann are having emotional thoughts like this. Probably not, I say that so easily, it isn't meant to be flippant. I guess it is just my own anxiety being magnified right now. Hopefully I will hear from him soon.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Meeting Josh Part 6
Monday morning came early, the sun was shining so bright. There was a gentle breeze moving through the air. It was truly a wonderful morning. ALL of my children were in my house sleeping. I took the time to look at each sweet face in their moment of perfection. I was just so overwhelmed at the wonderful gifts I had been given in each of them.
Josh got up early to spend a little alone time with Jordan since he had to be at school at 8:15. When we first shared pics of Jordan as a 15 y.o. with Josh and his family they were just as shocked as I was at the resemblance of the two. It was one of those eerie feelings you get that almost doesn't have words to describe it. Jordan and my other son Micah are fraternal twins. I have always said that once God created them, he laughed, and has kept laughing since. They are so opposite. Right now Micah is 5'7" and Jordan 5'11". Their personalities are on opposites side of the spectrum. Hopefully you are getting the picture I am trying to paint. Well back to Jordy and Josh. They look like they could be twins! Body build, height, curls in the hair, eyes, nose. Just one thing after another I would see each of them in the other. I think that this really caused Jordan to have a connection with Josh that he wasn't expecting to have. I also think this has helped Josh to feel like he is part of us. Josh also looks like Kara my oldest daughter. He is undeniably part of us!
Once Jordy was off to school, everyone else begin to gather themselves together. It seems to be the shortest time that we had spent together. Josh had to go back to the hotel to shower and load the car. Joann and I got to visit again. When Josh got back, Kara had pulled out some photo albums and a box of pics. I am not sure where they had come from as I hadn't seen them since we moved into this house a couple of years ago. Needless to say, we all sat around Josh as he flipped through the pages and sifted through the photos in the box. Though time was short, he wanted to look at each picture to make sure he wasn't missing anything. There are so many more for him to go through when he comes back to visit. He chose several that he wanted to keep. There was even one that his mom had sent me when he was small of him and his dad. I thought it was sweet that he wanted that one.
We headed outside as the time drew near for them to leave. The Joshua tree was swaying in the breeze, looking happy to be planted in my front yard. I was hoping Joshua was feeling the same way about being re-planted in our family.
I felt a bit odd, I hadn't bought him a present or a memento of this wonderful time together. My time had been so short, that to buy something so important seemed to need more time than I had. That is one of the few regrets of the meeting that I have had. I am working on something special for his birthday though. I know he likes part of it, as he commented on the part when he initially saw it. He had no idea that I had began it for him in particular.
Okay okay.....back to the front yard.
We in the Hampton family have what we call a family initiation. We normally use it when we travel. Since the family is too large to fit into one hotel room we usually get two rooms next to each other. Who ever lands in the rooms together has to get a wet willy unannounced from the other "chamber mates" sometime during the stay. It just happens. It is one of those urges that comes upon a Hampton and you just may as well surrender and get it over with! Well, needless to say, Josh was unaware of this. Kara, Haleigh and I discussed this important rite of passage. We voted, it was a done deal. Josh was going to have to get a wet willy before he left Texas. The time had come! We were taking photos........Haleigh had Josh and Kara on the sidewalk taking pics. The timing was perfect! We got a perfect shot of Josh's initiation! The big sisters were quite proud of their ability to carry this off without any flaw. You must remember though, that they have been doing this for many many years. They could be pros at it. This also help to bring great laughter and break the sadness of the moment. Pictures were continued for the next 10 minutes or so. I am not sure if it was planned by Josh and Kara or not, but Josh got Haleigh with a wet willy! It was wonderful, see I told you he was fitting into the family so snugly! We did get a picture of that too!
They finally loaded up, after giving hugs to everyone at least two or three times.
My heart was crying, my tears were beginning to pour. I had to let him go once again...this time, it wasn't a small baby I held til the end. It was a man with a wonderful spirit and a generous dose of love that was holding me back. I can still feel his arms around me and the gentle kisses he placed on my head.
I hope to see him again soon. I hope that he will always come back to Texas as often as he can, he has a family here that loves him so dearly.
Thanks for taking the time to read these blogs. I hope that they gave insight into the wonderfulness of choosing life. The joys of the reunion have helped to erase the pain of the separation that was so deep and indescribable.
Be blessed,
Angela
Josh got up early to spend a little alone time with Jordan since he had to be at school at 8:15. When we first shared pics of Jordan as a 15 y.o. with Josh and his family they were just as shocked as I was at the resemblance of the two. It was one of those eerie feelings you get that almost doesn't have words to describe it. Jordan and my other son Micah are fraternal twins. I have always said that once God created them, he laughed, and has kept laughing since. They are so opposite. Right now Micah is 5'7" and Jordan 5'11". Their personalities are on opposites side of the spectrum. Hopefully you are getting the picture I am trying to paint. Well back to Jordy and Josh. They look like they could be twins! Body build, height, curls in the hair, eyes, nose. Just one thing after another I would see each of them in the other. I think that this really caused Jordan to have a connection with Josh that he wasn't expecting to have. I also think this has helped Josh to feel like he is part of us. Josh also looks like Kara my oldest daughter. He is undeniably part of us!
Once Jordy was off to school, everyone else begin to gather themselves together. It seems to be the shortest time that we had spent together. Josh had to go back to the hotel to shower and load the car. Joann and I got to visit again. When Josh got back, Kara had pulled out some photo albums and a box of pics. I am not sure where they had come from as I hadn't seen them since we moved into this house a couple of years ago. Needless to say, we all sat around Josh as he flipped through the pages and sifted through the photos in the box. Though time was short, he wanted to look at each picture to make sure he wasn't missing anything. There are so many more for him to go through when he comes back to visit. He chose several that he wanted to keep. There was even one that his mom had sent me when he was small of him and his dad. I thought it was sweet that he wanted that one.
We headed outside as the time drew near for them to leave. The Joshua tree was swaying in the breeze, looking happy to be planted in my front yard. I was hoping Joshua was feeling the same way about being re-planted in our family.
I felt a bit odd, I hadn't bought him a present or a memento of this wonderful time together. My time had been so short, that to buy something so important seemed to need more time than I had. That is one of the few regrets of the meeting that I have had. I am working on something special for his birthday though. I know he likes part of it, as he commented on the part when he initially saw it. He had no idea that I had began it for him in particular.
Okay okay.....back to the front yard.
We in the Hampton family have what we call a family initiation. We normally use it when we travel. Since the family is too large to fit into one hotel room we usually get two rooms next to each other. Who ever lands in the rooms together has to get a wet willy unannounced from the other "chamber mates" sometime during the stay. It just happens. It is one of those urges that comes upon a Hampton and you just may as well surrender and get it over with! Well, needless to say, Josh was unaware of this. Kara, Haleigh and I discussed this important rite of passage. We voted, it was a done deal. Josh was going to have to get a wet willy before he left Texas. The time had come! We were taking photos........Haleigh had Josh and Kara on the sidewalk taking pics. The timing was perfect! We got a perfect shot of Josh's initiation! The big sisters were quite proud of their ability to carry this off without any flaw. You must remember though, that they have been doing this for many many years. They could be pros at it. This also help to bring great laughter and break the sadness of the moment. Pictures were continued for the next 10 minutes or so. I am not sure if it was planned by Josh and Kara or not, but Josh got Haleigh with a wet willy! It was wonderful, see I told you he was fitting into the family so snugly! We did get a picture of that too!
They finally loaded up, after giving hugs to everyone at least two or three times.
My heart was crying, my tears were beginning to pour. I had to let him go once again...this time, it wasn't a small baby I held til the end. It was a man with a wonderful spirit and a generous dose of love that was holding me back. I can still feel his arms around me and the gentle kisses he placed on my head.
I hope to see him again soon. I hope that he will always come back to Texas as often as he can, he has a family here that loves him so dearly.
Thanks for taking the time to read these blogs. I hope that they gave insight into the wonderfulness of choosing life. The joys of the reunion have helped to erase the pain of the separation that was so deep and indescribable.
Be blessed,
Angela
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Meeting Josh Part 5
The sun had started setting while we were taking family photos at the lake. The kids were still out on the pier posing and fishing with Isaiah's newly bought spongebob fishing pole. Some nice gentleman shared a worm or two with him since his plastic bait had broken offand floated into the lake. I am not sure who caught the fish, but all of a sudden I heard a blood curdling scream. I looked to see what was going on! It was Chelsea screaming and Jordan laughing as he was chasing her with this wet animal still on the line! Now our family hasn't fished much, needless to say a 15 y.o. brother chasing his 16y.o. sister really was a sight! There was great laughter and giggles all around.
I was so thankful for this distraction, as I had began to dread the evening and the next morning. I was beginning to feel very jealous of my children. They had pretty much had him all day, I didn't feel like I had truly had any time with Josh at all. Anxiety had hit my heart.All I could think of was that He would be leaving in about 12 hours and I hadn't got to visit with him like I had really wanted to. I had isolated myself from the group because I didn't want any attention on me. I didn't want the kids to know I was crying while they were healing and having a wonderful time being what they always longed for. A family with Josh in the picture.I really struggled to not ruin their time of gladness.
All I wanted then was to have Josh all to myself. That was so selfish, but as ugly as it seems, that is what I wanted. I had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself, that I was an adult and that I needed to act like an adult and not a child. I needed to be thankful for the gift of having Josh in my life and the joy of my children's hearts.
The sun set, and everything grew dark. This included the picnic area we were sitting at. Wes, Joann and I packed up everything we took to the lake and everyone headed for the house. We were sooooooooo tired,but our hearts were still sailing!
The table was almost set, I walked into the kitchen and there stood this wonderful young man that my heart loves so much sobbing. His mom was just a foot or two from him. Joann and I both grabbed Josh and just cried with him for a while. I wasn't sure why we were crying I just knew tears were flowing and it felt so good! I sent Josh a questionnaire last week. It is one that I had received from one of my daughters. Here is a question on it and his response.-When and why did you last cry?In the kitchen before dinner on the Sunday before I left.I realized that I had been thinking of you guys every night I had sat down to dinner my entire life and I was about to finally sit down at the same table with y'all. I cried because I felt something bigger than life pulling me into that seat and all I could do was cry. I now better understand what he was going through. I never thought that it would have been that monumental. Sitting down with my family for a meal is something that I had somehow lost the true value of. Josh reminded me.
After the meal, all the kids took turns sharing, and being with Josh. Joann and I did the dishes. We both felt the anxiety and the need to keep ourselves busy. She is such a jewel. Truly a treasure from heaven. One that the Lord has put smack dab in the middle of my life.I am so grateful for the goodness of God in her.
The kids had pretty much decided that if Josh were part of the family then he had to stay with us on Sunday night too. I am still just floored at the way my children all just opened their hearts and put this wonderful sibling in the right place in the family. When I think of this, I think of those bags that you can vacuum seal. I see all of my children with Josh in the bag, sucked in so tight, there is no room or means to get out!
Joann left shortly after dinner. I was watching her. My heart wondered what she was thinking and feeling. I don't think I could have asked her. That was a private time all her own. Most of all,what I thought was what a wonderful job God did picking out a mom for Josh. I am so glad He picked her!!
Around 11p.m. I finally claimed Josh all for my own. We went back out to the front porch and those rocking chairs. I wanted to hear him talk. I wanted to hear what he was saying. I wanted to just marinate in the awesomeness of his being. I know that sounds abit out there,but I wanted to just be in his presence. We both cried and spoke of some hard issues. We both didn't want to go to bed because we knew what the morning was going to bring. We both felt our bodies beginning to rebel and sleep take over so we surrendered and went to bed. My sleep was sweet that night even though my heart knew that his departure was near...and yes, I was up early Monday morning to watch him sleep as I drank my coffee and read my newspaper.
I will finish up this story in the next day or two with one more blog titled Meeting Josh. If you have any questions you would like to ask me concerning this please leave a comment. If I feel I can answer them with respect for Josh's privacy, I will.
Once again, thanks so much for sharing in my great joy!
Night,
Angela
I was so thankful for this distraction, as I had began to dread the evening and the next morning. I was beginning to feel very jealous of my children. They had pretty much had him all day, I didn't feel like I had truly had any time with Josh at all. Anxiety had hit my heart.All I could think of was that He would be leaving in about 12 hours and I hadn't got to visit with him like I had really wanted to. I had isolated myself from the group because I didn't want any attention on me. I didn't want the kids to know I was crying while they were healing and having a wonderful time being what they always longed for. A family with Josh in the picture.I really struggled to not ruin their time of gladness.
All I wanted then was to have Josh all to myself. That was so selfish, but as ugly as it seems, that is what I wanted. I had to give myself a pep talk and remind myself, that I was an adult and that I needed to act like an adult and not a child. I needed to be thankful for the gift of having Josh in my life and the joy of my children's hearts.
The sun set, and everything grew dark. This included the picnic area we were sitting at. Wes, Joann and I packed up everything we took to the lake and everyone headed for the house. We were sooooooooo tired,but our hearts were still sailing!
The table was almost set, I walked into the kitchen and there stood this wonderful young man that my heart loves so much sobbing. His mom was just a foot or two from him. Joann and I both grabbed Josh and just cried with him for a while. I wasn't sure why we were crying I just knew tears were flowing and it felt so good! I sent Josh a questionnaire last week. It is one that I had received from one of my daughters. Here is a question on it and his response.-When and why did you last cry?In the kitchen before dinner on the Sunday before I left.I realized that I had been thinking of you guys every night I had sat down to dinner my entire life and I was about to finally sit down at the same table with y'all. I cried because I felt something bigger than life pulling me into that seat and all I could do was cry. I now better understand what he was going through. I never thought that it would have been that monumental. Sitting down with my family for a meal is something that I had somehow lost the true value of. Josh reminded me.
After the meal, all the kids took turns sharing, and being with Josh. Joann and I did the dishes. We both felt the anxiety and the need to keep ourselves busy. She is such a jewel. Truly a treasure from heaven. One that the Lord has put smack dab in the middle of my life.I am so grateful for the goodness of God in her.
The kids had pretty much decided that if Josh were part of the family then he had to stay with us on Sunday night too. I am still just floored at the way my children all just opened their hearts and put this wonderful sibling in the right place in the family. When I think of this, I think of those bags that you can vacuum seal. I see all of my children with Josh in the bag, sucked in so tight, there is no room or means to get out!
Joann left shortly after dinner. I was watching her. My heart wondered what she was thinking and feeling. I don't think I could have asked her. That was a private time all her own. Most of all,what I thought was what a wonderful job God did picking out a mom for Josh. I am so glad He picked her!!
Around 11p.m. I finally claimed Josh all for my own. We went back out to the front porch and those rocking chairs. I wanted to hear him talk. I wanted to hear what he was saying. I wanted to just marinate in the awesomeness of his being. I know that sounds abit out there,but I wanted to just be in his presence. We both cried and spoke of some hard issues. We both didn't want to go to bed because we knew what the morning was going to bring. We both felt our bodies beginning to rebel and sleep take over so we surrendered and went to bed. My sleep was sweet that night even though my heart knew that his departure was near...and yes, I was up early Monday morning to watch him sleep as I drank my coffee and read my newspaper.
I will finish up this story in the next day or two with one more blog titled Meeting Josh. If you have any questions you would like to ask me concerning this please leave a comment. If I feel I can answer them with respect for Josh's privacy, I will.
Once again, thanks so much for sharing in my great joy!
Night,
Angela
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