Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Meeting Josh Part 2

We settled down onto the porch Friday evening after everyone got out of school. Josh brought his guitar. He has just learned to play in the last year. He is phenomenal! My children and I enjoyed the music.It was in perfect harmony with the excitement of the family.

All the boys exchanged T shirts. That was something that I didn't see coming.I know my fellas hold dear to the ones Josh gave them.

I guess it was around ll or l2 when everyone settled into the house. Everyone but Josh and I. We sat on the porch. Each of us setting pace in the rockers we were sitting in. Occasionally the rockers would come to a stop so that we could better hear one another. Josh sang tome a beautiful song. The words were wonderful, but the most wonderful thing about it was that I was hearing his voice singing, and listening to the music that being created at by his hand.

He was so generous in spirit to me. I could have never dreamed that he would be so caring. Okay, I could have dream it, but to actually have that dream come true in front of me, was far beyond my greatest expectations. I wonder what his thoughts were when he realized that we were actually going to meet. What did he think would happen? I hope he never feared rejection. I know I have always feared rejection from him. I hope I never get it, but if I do, I will have to surrender him once more to the hands of the Lord.

I tried my best to explain to him what was going on in my life during the time that I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted him to understand that me placing him up for adoption had nothing to do with me rejecting him, and everything to do with where I was emotionally.That I had to give him an opportunity to live without the issues of life that I was just beginning to face in my life at that time. In fact , that pregnancy is what caused me to begin to realize how twisted my thoughts and lifestyle was.

I believed that God called Josh into being before He ever laid down the foundations of the earth. God saw opportunity with me that weekend, and said so be it. Josh's parent's lost a child through the adoption process that same weekend. They called out the the Lord in prayer asking for a child once more. We all believe that Josh was the answer to that prayer. I guess I have never had a second thought on that ever.

Back to the front porch and rocking chairs. The night was so wonderful, the starts were bright. There was a slight chill in the air, but the love that was there enveloped us both. I wanted to hold him like I would my own children during hard times. I didn't know where that boundary was, and I definitely didn't want to cross any line that would cause him discomfort. I still haven't gotten to do that outside of holding his hand and hugging him on occasion. I know that is his mother's place to do that. This issue is still very blurry to me. (Okay, I am beginning to cry again.) I really hate the feeling I get when I don't know the right thing to say or to do for those that I love the most. I feel so very inadequate. I wanted to respect Joann's position as his mother. I really don't know what my position as birth mother means to him, her, or even me in a deeper sense of the word. Argh! I guess we are still defining each of our postitions in this new relationship. We are doing this as we go. It is very scarey for me. This is one time in my life that I do not want to fail in any way. The scary part is, is that I know that I will and I don't want to cause Josh one more bit of pain than what I already have.Okay, this is getting more into the now than the then so I will end this for now.I didn't mean for it to be a continuous blog. Hopefully I will be able to finish it in the next day or two.Happy 25th Birthday to my dear Kara!

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